So, the first of my close college friends got married a year ago, and held a ceremony today. This meant several things:
Free drinks?
Yes, free drinks.
Formal wear?
Yes, for me, though there were some doing the dress shirt and jeans look.
Soul-destroying juxtaposition?
Not so fast, overtly negative being of my own creation! Allow me to present several different facets keeping this ceremony from completely crushing the single guests, and the all-too-easy solutions to these errors. While I may not be a wedding planner, I know how to make people like me depressed.
-Nobody cried at this wedding.
Ouch. Couldn't you at least make sure that you enlisted one emotional wreck for ambience?
-The whole group seemed over it.
Again, this could have been so easily avoided. Remember that one "friend" who basically pees him or herself when you so much as personally sign a restraining order? That person, while blocked on your phone and dead to you in spirit, will doggedly pursue a group consensus that you and your wedding are the pinnacle of love and humankind. It will be necessary to change phone numbers later, but creepy cheerleaders at least make everyone know you've got some clout.
-No one danced.
Um...there's...I don't know...a little song called "Funkytown," as in "won't you take me to." As far as I know this song is available in multiple playable formats. You know who doesn't dance to Funkytown? Communists. And if you're in deep with the Reds, wedding dancing is of little concern.
And, Finally:
-No single women.
Despite the fact that this is self-explanatory in nature, allow me to explain, in dual-equation format:
mixed crowd (including single girls) + free booze = delectable chaos
committed crowd (few to no singles) + free booze = questions regarding availability of transportation home
Ask any physicist, these are inarguable laws of the universe.
Anyway, I was curious as to whether or not the enmity toward the groom by the groom's friends would result in any trouble. It didn't, but only because we, the groom's theoretical friends, are not about to kick a man whose "day" lands with early exits and apathy. I can't help but root for the married couple now, because they are an underdog rather than a favorite. I hope that the inauspicious nature of this event is not duplicated in the forthcoming chronology of life for the couple of the day.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Sunday, September 16, 2007
From Gloria to Henry
Perhaps the greatest discovery in the literary community in the last decade is the uncovering of the private communications between Gloria Steinem and Henry Miller. Two literary titans, what could surface? Enmity? Syllogism? Love???
Allow us to peer at the early contact.
To Miss S,
Perhaps I am more body than mind, but does not the mind control the body? The bitter, worldly compensations for your touch delight me no longer. Please let us walk and drink in one another’s irrepressible essence, in auditory respect first, then, by grace of humanity, may this lead to olfactory and tactile understanding. I can only hope to be yours.
Henry.
Dear Sirs,
I can be little other than bemused at your vulgar request. If the apex of manhood is defined by the animalistic, then one must be foolish to so much as contemplate egalitarian existence. I will reflect no longer at what both sanity and mercy would deem a forgettable, satirical musing.
Sincerely,
G. S.
To my withholding would-be muse,
Please allow me to clarify; my belief is not to dominate you with my maleness, but to explore the universality of humanity. What could be more unifying than mutual experience of the vestigial shiver accompanying fresh nudeness? I can do little else but offer my person in every capacity. I consider this to be an eminently respectful gesture, and while these things can only be appropriately judged by the recipient and beholder of the offer, I would be grateful for any consideration within your sensibility, as we are both human.
Henry.
Dear Sirs,
Your response is both unnecessary and elucidatory. To refer to me as a potential muse is erroneous, for you have done little else but provide further grounding for the proverbial good fight. For this I can only offer ironic gratitude. Beyond this, however, your efforts would best be directed toward a person whose hedonism clouds purpose. To use humanity as a justification for its own baser facets does a disservice to all involved. Despite my better judgment, I am curious as to how a person such as you would pursue, given a complete inability to succeed.
Sincerely,
G. S.
From One Human to Another,
I think it’s very important that we meet in person. Your excoriation of my apparently lewd homeostasis does more to intrigue my completely intellectual curiosities than could any seminar on any topic. I cannot be more than who I am, but can make myself more than what I am. I can only be in your debt for any future contact.
Henry.
Dear Sirs,
I am not impressed. However, you speak well. I wish to see your worst, though I can’t imagine you could muster better. I can only be certain I will excoriate myself for any action beyond outward dismissal. For the record, the only emotion currently aroused in me is disgust.
Sincerely,
G. S.
Please check back for future entries of this sordid serial.
Allow us to peer at the early contact.
To Miss S,
Perhaps I am more body than mind, but does not the mind control the body? The bitter, worldly compensations for your touch delight me no longer. Please let us walk and drink in one another’s irrepressible essence, in auditory respect first, then, by grace of humanity, may this lead to olfactory and tactile understanding. I can only hope to be yours.
Henry.
Dear Sirs,
I can be little other than bemused at your vulgar request. If the apex of manhood is defined by the animalistic, then one must be foolish to so much as contemplate egalitarian existence. I will reflect no longer at what both sanity and mercy would deem a forgettable, satirical musing.
Sincerely,
G. S.
To my withholding would-be muse,
Please allow me to clarify; my belief is not to dominate you with my maleness, but to explore the universality of humanity. What could be more unifying than mutual experience of the vestigial shiver accompanying fresh nudeness? I can do little else but offer my person in every capacity. I consider this to be an eminently respectful gesture, and while these things can only be appropriately judged by the recipient and beholder of the offer, I would be grateful for any consideration within your sensibility, as we are both human.
Henry.
Dear Sirs,
Your response is both unnecessary and elucidatory. To refer to me as a potential muse is erroneous, for you have done little else but provide further grounding for the proverbial good fight. For this I can only offer ironic gratitude. Beyond this, however, your efforts would best be directed toward a person whose hedonism clouds purpose. To use humanity as a justification for its own baser facets does a disservice to all involved. Despite my better judgment, I am curious as to how a person such as you would pursue, given a complete inability to succeed.
Sincerely,
G. S.
From One Human to Another,
I think it’s very important that we meet in person. Your excoriation of my apparently lewd homeostasis does more to intrigue my completely intellectual curiosities than could any seminar on any topic. I cannot be more than who I am, but can make myself more than what I am. I can only be in your debt for any future contact.
Henry.
Dear Sirs,
I am not impressed. However, you speak well. I wish to see your worst, though I can’t imagine you could muster better. I can only be certain I will excoriate myself for any action beyond outward dismissal. For the record, the only emotion currently aroused in me is disgust.
Sincerely,
G. S.
Please check back for future entries of this sordid serial.
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